I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
