can u get pink eye on your cock?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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