Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
