If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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