I wish I could teleport
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ketchup is God's man juice
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
