i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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