Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
