my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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