I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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