Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
