I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
