I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
