how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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