So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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