i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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