Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
