I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
