This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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