Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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