I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
