I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
