I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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