Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
