Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
