Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
