I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
