so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
