so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
