Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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