Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
