So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
