the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
