hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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