Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
