I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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