yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
