the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
