dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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