Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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