Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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