glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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