i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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