I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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