so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
