Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
