Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
