If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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