So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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