Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I believe in your delicious
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
