Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
