if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
