I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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