gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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