He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
