A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
