No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
