dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
