i just wanna soil my oats bro
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
