96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
