Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Randomize
