SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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