I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
