If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
