i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He passed out mid-signature
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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