I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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